FlashBacks....

Well, I have talked a bit about our experiences of being a family of a wounded soldier but there are some heavy topics that go along with it. I just don't think people understand the effects of war on these young, brave soldiers.

Let's talk about flashbacks. I'm not sure that everyone has them from war but the people who I have the privilege of knowing and having in my life have all had them. At the hospital in the beginning they were terrifying. Seeing my husband doped up and passed out to be awaken by a bang from the next room or a dream is just down right scary. The panic and fear in his eyes could put anyone over the edge. Especially an 8 month pregnant wife. The days after really rough flashbacks or the nights after really terrible flashbacks I would joke that the reason I looked so terrible was because I was a war torn wife. As time went on and the therapy sessions continued they seem to be less frequent. There would still be some nights I would be woken by a yell or a hard punch or wake up to an empty bed. I would either calm him down tell him where he was or walk out to the living room find him strung out watching ridiculous tv shows, ordering random merchandise online, and food.... Everywhere. There would be boxes of cheeze-its, trail mix, honey buns, you name it. I called it the PTSD aftermath. The further away from Walter Reed and the stopping of the narcotics seemed to coincide with the less frequent flashbacks. I'm sure also the more time away from his coming home date helped. We have down pretty well here in the last 6 months but last night we were plagued again by the flasbacks. It also affects behavior the next day. Sometimes we're both zombies, sometimes crowds get overwhelming, and sometimes loud noises set him off. Either way It has been 2 years this May 1st that he has been home and we still are seeing effects of war.

Another lovely side effect of being shot would be having to manage and take care of pain. I've never been shot but I can say that I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy. At first there was tons of pain medicine to mask the pain. His femur was shattered. I'd want that pain masked as much as possible as well. the drs did their best in assessing but when you have tiny pieces of bone that were once a huge, strong bone and bullet fragments floating around... You're going to be in intense pain. The Drs. tried all sorts of combinations of medicines, some were narcotics, some were for bone growth, some were for flashbacks. There would be times that he would fall asleep mid sentence, or his eyes would be glossed over and he wouldn't keep eye contact because his system was overloaded with the drugs. The day we were able to move him to the hotel at the hospital instead of being in a hospital bed, I'm pretty sure there were about 18 pills a day that we were responsible for. Of course my mom was a huge help in explaining them and setting up and system with me and showing me how to manage 3 times a day compared to as needed, and compared to breakthrough drugs. It was totally overwhelming. It was also overwhelming seeing your husband high as a kite but knowing that he in a way needs to be. As therapy continued and we went from wheel chair to walking there was an adjustment to meds because the more weight you put on the injury the more pain you feel. Fact. I remember him being on about 200+ mg of Oxy around the time I gave birth to our Jameson. Around that time he was in a wheelchair but also managing crutches at times. One particular dr. (who was just doing his job) was trying to see (esentially) if this pain was really bone pain or was it more related to psych pain. The psych pain of course is real pain but mostly nerve and managed possibly in a different way then taking prescriptions. I had Jameson on a thursday and They wanted that to be Jimmy's last day of Oxy. They gave him NOTHING to come off of it and there was no system to ween himself off of the Oxy.

I don't know if you are aware of the addiction and dependency of Oxy. It is a powerful drug. Even when it is needed there  becomes a dependency/addiction. I use the word dependency for Jimmy's case because he was not taking it for recreation. The day after I had Jameson my poor husband with-drawled from the Oxy on the parent sofa. Puking, shaking, yelling, the whole nine yards. I felt like I was watching an episode of intervention. Fast forward to him off of Oxy (on to "the percs"). The further removed you become from the intense thereapy schedule and more on the healing, almost ready to leave side you see things in a different light. It is amazing to look at the soldiers that have been seriously wounded and see those same glazed over eyes, up all night, the erratic behavior and know that almost all of them (in my opinion) are heavily dependent on narcotics and may not have the support/ will to not use them recreationally/pain other wise able to be fixed with out them. There is a serious issue here. The drs. think that they are helping these heros by giving them the pills, by filling 60 day prescriptions when in reality I think we are very much hurting them.

I wish that these young soldiers had support systems, and people that understand, but until you're blown up or shot... You just can't relate.